Be Quite, Not Right.

When people say stuff I disagree with, my natural instinct is to voice objections and lists arguments for a different perspective. Too often, that is not what they want to hear. They are simply letting off steam or recounting a story because it feels good to share and be heard. I must remember that and keep my mouth shut. However, I must also not give the impression I agree. How do I do this? Growing up, it was natural to put up an argument about anything I disagreed with. My parents loved me for it. At least they didn't complain. In fact, it was fun to debate an issue with my folks. I think they thought I was clever and independent for it. I understand that my friends and peers don't see it this way. Now, how do I get out of the habit of disagreeing. Maybe I just need to say nothing, or find something to agree with, or move the conversation to another topic. I don't know, but I must do something. It makes interactions contentious and I see their heart rate go up as they get defensive. Really I'm not trying to change your mind, I'm simply disagreeing with you and telling you why. What, you didn't come to me for that. Oh well. Must think before I speak.

Rolls Aren't Exaclty Curves

In this environment where fat is becoming the norm, you often hear expressions that sooth the egos of the plus sized. One such term is 'real women have curves.' Yes, I agree with that, but a woman with 200 pounds (unless she is unusually tall) has got more than curves going on. Let's get real. What's wrong with stating the truth? And while we are on the topic of lame excuses given by fat people, how about the idea that you can be addicted to food. Even if that is accurate, addiction can be overcome with work. It is tough to move past ever present food. It's not impossible, though. Let's stop using excuses and be honest. At least, make an effort. I'll value your effort because it will surely get you healthier, even if not exactly to your goal weight. Make your body a priority because it's the place you live your whole life and you want it to be comfortable, don't you?

oh, btw. I'm fat. I'm not a self-hater. I just don't pretend my lard is anything more than over consumption.

"Basic Black" by Cathie Black, Review

On a visit to my local library I ran across ‘Basic Black’ by Cathie Black. Somewhere I think I had heard good things about this book. I thought it would be a manual on how to get ahead at work. I thought it would give advice and information about tactics to do well in a career. It did do that, a bit. However, this was more an autobiography than a business manual. That’s fine by me, because I enjoy learning how individuals get to where they get. It was a nice ride Ms. Black took me on as she described how she went from a glorified secretary to CEO. Along the way, she does offer tips. She is careful to note that what will work for any individual might be different than what worked for her. The only quibble I have with the book is when she says things like ‘read on’ or ‘that story later’. I hated the tease. There must be a better way to transition to the next lesson than this. Finally, I must applaud the voice actress that read the book. She has an excellent voice and used it well to convey the depth of the story and I enjoyed the story and experienced it better for it. All in all, I am happy I stumbled onto this audio book.

The Power of Effective Listening, Review

Not long ago I took an interpersonal communication class that got me interested in improving my communication with others. One aspect of this is listening. In fact, many say listening is essential to communication and even more important than speaking and writing in creating relationships.

When I saw this CD at my local library, I checked it out to listen during my commute:

At first, I wondered why the speaker uses such a quick pace to describe various techniques to communicate well. I think it's because he knows listeners are quickly bored by speech as it is usually much slower than our minds. He doesn't want the listeners' minds to wonder too easily.

The lessons in this audio book focus on active listening. The author emphasizes being sympathetic to a speaker and asking open ended questions. He also describes a method to remember facts and names. This resource has been around for a while, so it provides a good review of the topic of active listening.

If you are looking for audio books to enhance your commute, I recommend this one. It might be worth a second or third listen, as I'm sure I missed details as I was, in fact, driving when listening. Yes, I was multitasking, something the author advises against when listening. Oh well.

Soggy Embrace

Porca miseria! THE FLOOR IS PLUMMETING; in a few more strokes, the bottom will be almost TWO STORIES down! If it wasn’t for all this water in the pool, my palms would be sweating.

I stop swimming and latch my elbow to the lane divider. It looks like nobody noticed my flailing. The swimmer in front of me is almost at the end of the lane. Soon, she will be coming back around, completing her ‘circle-swim’ on the half of the lane closest to the wall of the pool. The life guard sits on her perch above the bin that contains the swim fins as she chats with the lad standing besides her, or is she texting? The instructor has her back to the big pool I am in and is watching the shallow pool.

Then, I remember how I got through high school P.E.: I cheated. I swim the width of the lane, away from the flimsy lane divider and to the sweet comfort next to the solid wall. I swim to the ladder, climb out, and slide back into the shallow pool.

If the depth of that pool freaks me out, how will I ever swim in the ocean?

~~~

In the early months of 2011, I set out to relearn how to swim, with the goal of swimming in the ocean, like my father. The first time I get back in a pool, it feels comfortable. The water surrounds me like a soggy embrace. However, putting my face in the water still reminds me of the overwhelming awkwardness I felt more than twenty five years ago, during the summer my father enrolled my siblings and I in swim school.

I was in junior high; the other students in our class are half my age, so the instructor separates those of us with permanent teeth from the rest of the class, and quickly we are jumping off the diving board, a hundred miles from the surface of the water. Then, we swim the length of the pool back to the shallow side. I swim without breathing until I’m half way down the lane and my feet can touch the floor and I can take a nice, comfortable breath.

At the end of last year, in the month or two since the scene described at the top, I’ve gotten more comfortable in the water. Although it still feels unnatural to feel the water surround the contours of my ears, nose, and mouth, I can go a few laps, even in the big pool. Now, it’s time to build up to open waters. Hope it doesn’t take another twenty five years.

What I want to see on the morning news.

A few weeks ago, a local television (KTLA) station asked what stories veiwers are interested in, and which they don't think deserves to be on the air.
I watch the morning news before I leave the house for work. Here is my list of things I do and don't want to watch while preparing for my day.
Avoid
1) 'Lifestyle' segments sponsored by the company whose products are featured in the segment.
2) 'Internet Sensations' If I want to know what's trending on the internet, I would be on my computer, not watching the morning news.
3) Do not spend the whole news cast focused on one story. Yes, fire and car chases and Michael Jackson's doctor require a mention, but there is no need to devote the entire show to any one story.
4) Gossip is not entertainment. I dont' care who has a secret love child, or who likes to dress up like big bird as their paramor nibbles on their dark meat.
5) Do not express your personal opinions. Yes, I like sharing my mornings with your, but I don't care to hear your opinions about much of anything.  (There is another station where the weather reporter has to express an opion about everything. Don't follow that example.) Also, I don't really need to know about your personal life, your children, or your spouse.
Must do
1) Traffic & Weather. I need to know if there are any streets or freways I should avoid on the way to work, and I need to know how warmly to dress for the day. Do I need an umbrella?
2) Give me a short thumbnail of news stories that are going on in the nation and the world and entertainment.
3) Devote most of your segments to what is happening locally. If there are interesting events upcoming, I would like to know.
4) When speaking with entertainers, focus on thier professional projects. The developments of their personal lives is not news.
5) Let the guests get their points across. Don't interupt them. We hear you every day, let someone else talk.

Don't Borrow from Me.

I know someone that is a mark for her friends and family. They ask to borrow money often. She complies, but then complains about it. She doesn't want to do it, but she thinks it's a compassionate, charitable act.

I say, don't do it if you don't want to and if you do want to ask these questions:

1) How will you use the money?

2) How and when will you repay this loan?

3) Where else have you looked for this money? Who have you asked? Why did they decline?

4) Don't you have the money? Why?

5) Perhaps there are ways for you to get the money on your own. Have you considered a yard sale? Maybe you have items in your closet that you don't use any more. If they are luxury items, you can sell them online for a larger return.

The answers will reveal what chance there is of the money being repaid. Also, it will reveal if they have used the money on frivolities. In which case, they don't deserve the money.

Here are some ways to say no:

“Sorry, I don't have any money to spare. My money is accounted for even before I earn it.”

“You mean you don't have any money? That's a bummer as I was going to ask to borrow from you. Why don't we just call it even?”

“Sorry, it’s my policy to be neither a borrower nor a lender.”

“Unless it's a matter of life or death, please don't ask.”

“If I give you the money, then I'll be without it and you know what it's like to be without money. I know you don't want to put me in that situation. So I will not put you in that situation.”

“Sorry, I can't help you.” If they ask why, say, "Why does the reason matter? Would your knowing help you in any way? Also, I don't feel comfortable discussing my personal finances."

Buy time: "I can't answer now. I need to talk to my wife/accountant...” or “I need to check on my accounts”. Hopefully, they will move on and not ask again.

If you do decide to lend money, be prepared to never see it again.

If someone asks for a second loan after you've extended one before, you can respond that you will consider it once they have paid the original debt.

Finally, I must say I do not think it is a charitable act to bail people out of bad situations they have created for them selves. By saying 'no' you teach them to act right, or suffer the consequences. You are doing them a favor by saying 'no'. You are helping them grow up.